A little bit closer to Africa...

But, I am still 12,000 miles away. I didn't get any physically closer to Malawi...but Malawi got a little closer to me!

See my skirt? Isn't it beautiful?!? My studly boyfriend who is in Malawi stinkin HAD IT MADE FOR ME!! His lovely parents just brought it back with them. I just need to say...I am so blessed!

This amazing man picked the fabric out himself and had a wonderful Malawian woman make me a skirt! Who does that! Ryan Price...that is who!

This biggest miracle in all of this is that even though the lady did not have any measurements for me, the skirt still fits perfectly. Alright girls, let me get a witness...how hard is it for find FITTED clothes that fit you perfectly...so hard! I am telling you, I think something miraculous happened as this skirt traveled across the Atlantic ocean.

I love my skirt. This morning when I was getting ready for church, I just was giddy because I knew I was about to put it on. It makes me feel like Ryan is not so far away.

And on May 23rd, Ryan won't be far away anymore. That's right...in less than 2 months I can see him when I talk to him, I can call him at any time when I need directions somewhere, I can call him and ask him dumb questions like what does an acupunture do?, I can go grocery shopping with him, I can hear his fingers make beautiful piano music, and I can listen to all the things that go on in his heart. I can't wait.

I can't believe that God has already carried us through 7 months of separation and unified us all the while. I thought we would have some point that was really hard and I would feel really distant from him and I would doubt that this could even work...but it didn't happen.

Of course, I have missed him. I have had days that he doesn't seem real. I have had days that I just thought I couldn't make it one more day without hearing his voice. But those feelings usually only lasted a day or two. God always took care of me and constantly reminded me that He brought us together, and He would sustain us.

In the months before he left for Malawi, I just couldn't imagine how I was going to make it. When I would worry about it, God would just draw me to prayer. One thing he laid on my heart to pray was,

"God make this this sweetest part of our dating relationship." The first time I spoke those words, I laughed a little to myself. I thought, how in the world am I going to get to say this after 9 months of not seeing this amazing man? Am I really going to be able to tell people that this was the SWEETEST part of our dating relationship. But I will tell you...God has been faithful.

One thing that has always been a struggle for me in our relationship is being verbally affirmed. I don't know if any other girl out there has ever struggled with this...but I wanted to hear good things about me all the time.

I know, that sounds icky.

We don't like to say that outloud.

We like to mask this desire by saying, "my love language is words of affirmation", but what we really mean is, please tell me how amazing you think I am...I won't be happy until I hear that.

The most major thing God has freed me from during this time is verbal affirmation. In my mind, I thought this would maybe be the sweetest time because it would force Ryan to say everything outloud to me. I was getting ready to be verbally affirmed for 9 months.

Well, God had different plans for me. God started revealing a lot of sin and insecurity I had in my heart around October. He showed me that this need for Ryan to tell me how much he valued me came from my insecurity of wondering how much he liked me. I didn't trust God for that security. So as I was constantly asking Ryan to affirm me, it was never enough. God kept working on me, finally in December He slapped me in the face and showed me that the bottom line is that I feared man's approval about God's. He showed me how that made me foolish. And he showed me how destructive it was on my relationships in my life.

Finally, as I laid on my floor crying to the Lord, I told Him that I could not free myself from this. I needed the Lord's help. Of course there were some things I HAD to do. I had to be really honest with Ryan and with other people in my life that I was seeking affirmation from. I had to evaluate every email I sent Ryan and ask myself, "am I saying this self deprecating thing in hopes that he will reply back with some affirming thing?"

Women...we are master manipulators, and unless we are honest, we cannot be freed from manipulation. I think this may be one of the single hardest sins to find freedom from, because often our sisters cannot see it to call us out on it. It is all in our minds!

God was so good to bring freedom. Then everything Ryan ever said to me became 100 times sweeter because I didn't have this attitude of "oh good, he said exactly what I wanted him to say" or hurt of why hadn't he said this more often.

I had no idea that this was God's plan of how he was going to make this the sweetest part of our dating relationship. But what I love is that this was a WAY better way to answer that prayer, than what I had in mind. His ways are so much higher, and so much sweeter.

This is not the only thing that has made this time really sweet. Here is a quick list of a few:

1. Pretty much every morning (given his internet is functioning properly) I have an email in my inbox. Most people who wake up at 5:30 don't have emails in the inbox, but that is the beauty of Malawi being 7 hours ahead of us!
2.I have an Africa skirt...enough said.
3. I got to stinkin go to Africa...I mean that has always been a dream of mine, so pretty amazing that it has already come true.
4. All the physical temptation crap, is completey not an issue.
5. Just getting to hear his voice means so much more now. I hope for as long as I live, I will never take for granted getting to hear the sound of his voice.
6. God has taught me to trust Him and not circumstances to be the unifier of our hearts.

Now girls, I am not suggesting that you ship your boyfriends off to a far away land...and I hope Ryan doesn't think that just because it has been the sweetest time of our relationship thus far that I am not ready for him to come home...because I am...but I am thankful for the way the Lord has used this time.

And if you don't believe me about how much I miss him... here is some more evidence...



This is my humble attempted at spelling Ryan's name out...and just one more chance to show my skirt off!

Anyways, yay for African skirts and God's faithfulness. That is good stuff...and Ryan, I can't wait to show you the skirt in person!!

Breaking Point...

A week and a half ago I met my breaking point.

I didn't know he was there inside of me. But we were introduced on Wednesday, February 27th.

I didn't wake up that morning knowing that I would meet him...he just snuck up on me. When he stuck out his hand to introduce himself he took my composure, my patience, my smile, and my feeling of "I can do this".

A week and a half ago, God reminded me that I am human.

I "teach high school geometry"...that is my job title. That is what Bryan ISD tells the state I do and they give me a pay check twice a month for doing it. However, that is just a cover. My real job is that I am a person motivated by the love of Christ to love high school kids in hopes that they encounter Jesus in me.

I like to think that I am an undercover cop. It makes my job more exciting.

But like I said, I hit my breaking point about 2 weeks ago.

It wasn't one thing that broke me...it was a myriad of things. The disobedience I encounter on a daily basis was just too much on that Wednesday. I couldn't handle one more teenager ignoring my simple requests. I couldn't be patient as one more student refused to sit in their assigned seat. I couldn't handle one more student talking while I was talking. I couldn't handle one more attitude or an under the breath comment like, "I hate you" or a not so under the breath comment, "aww miss, you are annoying me!"

I broke down and cried after 3rd period...that's right, I am not ashamed to admit it, I cried. But not in front of the kids. By the end of 6th period, I couldn't hold the tears back any longer. I just broke.

The day was hard. I was weary. I went home right after school and just cried with my roommates. That is when it hit me...

God doesn't have a breaking point. He was gracious to show me that all the disobedience I have experienced over the past 2 months...

He has seen it since the creation of man. He has seen people read His commands and ignore His simple requests. He has spoken truth to people only to get people talking right over Him, so they can't hear him. He has heard the most hurtful insults...He knows the insults that haven't even been spoken, and yet...

He does not break.

"Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom. "

-Isaiah 40:28

God reminded me, by breaking me, just how strong He is. God reminded me that as my love wears out, His never does. God reminded me that even as a youth, I will grow weary. He reminded me that He is my only source of power and strength. He showed me how deeply He loves us, even though we are disobedient.

I think I understand a little better why God would destroy whole cities for their disobedience. I think I understand a little better why His son had to come and get nails pushed through His skin. Disobedience causes pain. It is not just disappointing...it is devastating.

Last Wednesday I was broken and empty. I had nothing left to give...and yet the hope I held on to is that I know a God who will never meet His breaking point, because it simply doesn't exist. He is everlasting.

His love is amazing. I know I cannot fathom it and I will probably never understand the great deepness of His love. However, my prayer is that as each time He pushes me to love harder and deeper and at each new breaking point, I will get a little closer to understanding just how far He goes to love us.