Peace through Tears

My eyes have been kinda watery lately.

It's just another time when I remember why I do not EVER purchase mascara that is not waterproof.

I’m a crier. I actually love to cry and am really not embarrassed to do it in front of people. But I have to remember that it embarrasses some people. Like this weekend, Ryan and I were at dinner at this adorable little Italian restaurant and this stud of a man that I am so blessed to be dating asked me if there was anything more he could do to make me feel secure in our relationship as he headed off to malawi. WOW...I dont think you even have to be a cry-kinda person to let out tears in that situation. I wanted to hold back tears so I wouldn't embarrass him in public (or put our waiter in an awkward positon), but I am not really good at that.

So I told him, "Just to let you know, I am going to cry. Is that going to embarrass you? Because if so, then maybe we can talk about this later." But he was so amazing, he wasn't embarrassed. He is one incredible guy!

Anyways, the reason tears came into my eyes is that today Ryan leaves for Malawi. He is this amazing guy that has been obedient to the Lord's call. So this means he is not going to be here for 9 months. I am so happy to know this man who is choosing to be obedient, and to fear God more than he fears tears of his girlfriend. It is so exciting!

The most amazing thing in this is that this weekend, every time I cried, it was tears accompanied with peace. Because I am a crier, I know that there are many types of tears.

There are...

tears of joy

tears of heartache

tears of conviction

tears of insecurity

tears of shame

tears of thankfulness

tears of sadness

tears of loneliness

I have known them all. I have spent intimate time with each one of these types of tears, but very rarely do I get to experience tears of sadness accompanied with peace. It’s a peace that allows me to finally stop asking “God what in the heck are you doing?!?” and allows me to say, “God I don’t know what in the heck you are doing, but I know I need it.” I know I need Ryan to go to Malawi. I know that there is not a more perfect way to draw selfishness out of my heart. I know there is not a more perfect way to understand how God felt when He sent HIS son as a missionary into a world where He knew they would beat him and kill him. There is not a more perfect way for God to remind me that this life is not about me.

None of this is easy to learn. None of that makes missing him hurt any less. I cry often. I cry at random times. I cry when I pass by an Acupuncture Sign, knowing that I can no longer call this knowledgable man and ask him “what in the heck do acupunctures do? And why do people pay money for that sort of thing?!?”

…but now when I cry I get to rest. I rest in His arms.

I rest in the peace of Ryan’s obedience. I rest because God has brought Ryan and I SO far in the past year individually and in our relationship. I rest because we finally were humbled to the point to listen to godly counsel and talk openly about the future of our relationship. We finally stopped rebelling and started taking steps toward wisdom.

“You younger men likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you.”
-1 Peter 5:5-7

I wouldn’t be able to cry with peace if any one of these things had not happened. Peace only comes with humility through submission and casting my anxieties on the Lord.

I am so thankful for God’s grace to bring me peace through various act of obedience that I had no idea would bring me the peace I find myself in today.

My prayer is and I ask for your prayers that I would not for one day in this 9 months let Satan steal my peace. I will be sad; I will not always have it all together. But God is a God who knows about sadness. However, He is not a daddy that knows of confusion or unrest. So I pray that I will always be crying with peace in Him.

“Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find REST for your souls.”
-Matthew 11: 29